She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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