Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
