you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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