Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
