I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
