she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
