mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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