fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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