Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
