You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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