Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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