I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
