I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
