Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
