Will you blow on my dice?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He passed out mid-signature
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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