A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
