My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
