Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
