I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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