i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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