I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
