I'm sorry my penis didn't work
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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