My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
