I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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