I smell stomach acid.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sobbing to NWA
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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