I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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