"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
where are my eyebrows?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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