haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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