Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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