you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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