Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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