Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
