No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
