just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
