I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
