i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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