I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
