id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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