well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
