chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
