I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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