I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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