You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
