if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
