I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
