I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
