Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
