In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
