God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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