Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will be naked everywhere
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
