If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
