My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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