I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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