btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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