He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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